Featured Post

More Personal. More Often.

As you can read by the title, this is going to be my personal blog. I'll still update my other one, but don't expect my person...

Monday, November 7, 2016

I'm Active Again!

Well hello all my lil' friends (If y'all are still following and shit.)

It's been forever since I posted on here, but that's alright. I've been busy!


But the easiest way to contact me would probably be through my email or my cell phone (I'll get hangout messages), so if I don't post on here for a while, send me an email!

Monday, August 15, 2016

Substance Abuse Classes Took Off with a Good Start!

"Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present."
- Jim Rohn

Today was rather good, I thought. I woke up rather early, 6:34 in the morning, went outside to have a smoke, then I had the breakfast. Scrambled eggs with cheese, white toast with peanut butter, a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, and some milk. The bowl of cereal is something I have everyday since I got to Chatham Oaks. I have more freedom, get to keep my cellphone at night, but it comes with a price in my mind; you can't get the wi-fi password. It's all good, though... I get to be on the computer after 3:00 PM.

Now, onto the quote. You have to think of the here and now, prepare for happiness. 

I learned something new about myself today... I can get into a mature and 'zenful' moment after a certain amount of coffee. French pressed, mind you. I wasn't bouncing off the walls, but I had some energy. I met a couple new people, offered some poetic music, and got to learn about some new diagnosis. I will list the ones I'm comfortable with sharing, and since it will give some idea on the sporadic entries:

  • Borderline Personality Disorder (Chronic)
  • Anxiety
  • PTSD
  • Dissociative Disorder
  • Depression
  • Methamphetamine use disorder
Sometimes my anxiety and depression get the best of me and I just don't feel like posting. Or sometimes I have too much going on (*coughs* Like sleeping and writing...*cough*). 

BUT! I have been getting in more meditation, becoming one with the resonating sound of a hang drum. 

And with that, I shall leave you with another quote..

"The best preparation for tomorrow is doing you best today."
- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Monday, August 1, 2016

♡\( ̄▽ ̄)/♡ I'm Not Single! ♡\( ̄▽ ̄)/♡

 
 
 
 
TO ALL OF YOU FUCKERS THAT WANT ME...
 


I finally found someone that I'm really willing to settle down with. They are funny, sweet, and it seems like they actually love me for ME. Not because of what my body can offer.



*Screams and literally cries.* GOOD SONGS, GOOD SONGS. THANKS PANDORA!

This is literally what I do all day, if you look at my tabs.

 

/( ̄▽ ̄)/ GIVE IT AWAY, GIVE IT AWAY! \( ̄▽ ̄)\

"Give it away give it away give it away now,
Give it away give it away give it away now,
Give it away give it away give it away now!"
- Give It Away - Red Hot Chili Peppers
 
 

Well, y'all. Just to change it up, I decided to use RHCP lyrics. Lately, I've been listening to the No Doubt station on Pandora, and its been playing all the bands I grew up with. No Doubt, Gwen Stefani, RHCP, Third Blind Eye, Radiohead,311, and a few others. These are all good bands and I literally teared up last night when the station pulled a GORILLAZ song out from the depths of my music love.




I seriously felt a tear roll down my cheek as I listened to the song, bobbing my head to the sides.






Sunday, July 24, 2016

♪~ ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ



"Living so free is a tragedy, when you can't be who you want to be."
- Free by Powerman 5000







Okay, I recently just got back into Powerman 5000. I was thinking of all the bands I grew up listening to, and this is one of them. The others are Saliva, Korn, Nine Inch Nails. 



(☞◣д◢)☞ I WAS HACKED ☜(`o´)

Okay, Magnolias and Indigos, my main email address was hacked. BUT I TOOK CARE OF IT. I changed my password, securities questions, and everything else. So no worries there! 

BUT I HAVE SOME FUNNY RP NEWS!

THE BOUNCE HOUSE IS FINALLY OPEN. 

NOW HIRING. IF YOU HAVE A CHARACTER, OR WANT TO MAKE ONE SPECIFICALLY FOR THE BOUNCE HOUSE, MESSAGE ME.

Friday, July 22, 2016

(☞゚ヮ゚)☞ Last Night Was Horrible ☜(゚ヮ゚☜)

"Is adult amusement killing our children, or is killing our children adult amusement?"
- Marilyn Manson



Alright, Magnolias and Indigos, I'm back in the hospital for more than psych reasons. My medications were stolen, I was freaking out, and I relapsed. Something I hadn't planned on happening. So I'm just... fucked in reality.



With that being said, it's true. I love doing drugs. I love the feeling it gives me. But if it ruins my romantic relationships, I'll quit. And that's part of the reason I'm back in the hospital. To quit doing drugs. Now, after I said that, I'll offer some Hotlines for substance abuse. Not just for me, but for you all who are stuggling just as I am. THIS WILL BE UPDATED OFTEN.


  • the recovery village - 888.920.7151



GOD DAMN SON, IS THIS A MARILYN MANSON INSPIRED BLOG POST?

DAMN RIGHT IT IS.

Having people question what they believe in is... satisfying to me. There isn't a better way to test your beliefs than to introduce a sexually confusing person in your sight.


PEACE OUT, MAGNOLIAS AND INDIGOS.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ The Joy of Pain ✧゚・: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)

"I always had the desire to inflict pain on others and to have other inflict pain upon me. I always seemed to enjoy everything that hurt. The desire to inflict pain, that is all that is upper most."
- Albert Fish




Now, most people are probably freaking out by now because I used a quote by the infamous kidnapper, pedophile, cannibal, and murderer, Albert Fish. His alias is 'The Gray Man' and 'The Wolf of Wisteria'. I'll post the information about Grace Budd, his last victim before capture. 

On May 25, 1928 Edward Budd put a classified ad in the Sunday edition of the New York Worldthat read: "Young man, 18, wishes position in country. Edward Budd, 406 West 15th Street." On May 28, 1928, Fish, then 58 years old, visited the Budd family in Manhattan, New York City under the pretense of hiring Edward. He introduced himself as Frank Howard, a farmer from Farmingdale, New York. When he arrived, Fish met Budd's younger sister, 10-year-old Grace. Fish promised to hire Budd and said he would send for him in a few days. On his second visit he agreed to hire Budd, then convinced the parents, Delia Flanagan and Albert Budd I, to let Grace accompany him to a birthday party that evening at his sister's home. Albert senior was a porter for the Equitable Life Assurance Society. Grace had a sister, Beatrice; and two other brothers, Albert Budd II; and George Budd. Fish left with Grace that day, but never came back.
The police arrested Charles Edward Pope on September 5, 1930 as a suspect of the kidnapping. He was a 66-year-old apartment house superintendent, and he was accused by his estranged wife. He spent 108 days in jail between his arrest and trial on December 22, 1930.

The letter
Seven years later, in November 1934, an anonymous letter was sent to the girl's parents which led the police to Albert Fish. The letter is quoted here, with all of Fish's misspellings and grammatical errors:
Dear Mrs. Budd. In 1894 a friend of mine shipped as a deck hand on the Steamer Tacoma, Capt. John Davis. They sailed from San Francisco for Hong Kong, China. On arriving there he and two others went ashore and got drunk. When they returned the boat was gone. At that time there was famine in China. Meat of any kind was from $1-3 per pound. So great was the suffering among the very poor that all children under 12 were sold for food in order to keep others from starving. A boy or girl under 14 was not safe in the street. You could go in any shop and ask for steak—chops—or stew meat. Part of the naked body of a boy or girl would be brought out and just what you wanted cut from it. A boy or girl's behind which is the sweetest part of the body and sold as veal cutlet brought the highest price. John staid [sic] there so long he acquired a taste for human flesh. On his return to N.Y. he stole two boys, one 7 and one 11. Took them to his home stripped them naked tied them in a closet. Then burned everything they had on. Several times every day and night he spanked them — tortured them — to make their meat good and tender. First he killed the 11 year old boy, because he had the fattest ass and of course the most meat on it. Every part of his body was cooked and eaten except the head—bones and guts. He was roasted in the oven (all of his ass), boiled, broiled, fried and stewed. The little boy was next, went the same way. At that time, I was living at 409 E 100 St. near—right side. He told me so often how good human flesh was I made up my mind to taste it.

On Sunday June the 3, 1928 I called on you at 406 W 15 St. Brought you pot cheese—strawberries. We had lunch. Grace sat in my lap and kissed me. I made up my mind to eat her. On the pretense of taking her to a party. You said yes she could go. I took her to an empty house in Westchester I had already picked out. When we got there, I told her to remain outside. She picked wildflowers. I went upstairs and stripped all my clothes off. I knew if I did not I would get her blood on them. When all was ready I went to the window and called her. Then I hid in a closet until she was in the room. When she saw me all naked she began to cry and tried to run down the stairs. I grabbed her and she said she would tell her mamma. First I stripped her naked. How she did kick — bite and scratch. I choked her to death, then cut her in small pieces so I could take my meat to my rooms. Cook and eat it. How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven. It took me 9 days to eat her entire body. I did not fuck her tho I could of had I wished. She died a virgin.
Mrs. Budd was illiterate and could not read the letter herself, so she had her son read it instead. Fish later admitted to his attorney that he did indeed rape Grace. Fish was a compulsive liar, however, so this may be untrue. He had told the police, when asked, that it "never even entered his head" to rape the girl.


I'm oddly inspired by this man, not because of his actions, but because of his quote. How he was a sado-masochistic fucker. It portrays me in the slightest way, I could try to explain on how I can relate. But that will be for a different post about BDSM and the likes. 

Now, I know when you finish this, you may be disgusted with me. But please, comment on what you think was going through Albert Fish's head. 

With that note being said. 

(• ε •) HAVE A PAINLESS AND PLEASURABLE DAY.

DISCHARGE! ლ(╹◡╹ლ)


"Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something."
- Morihei Ueshiba


Today is a sad day. It's the day where I'm leaving the safety of the hospital and violently thrown back into the real world. Going back to a town where I know that, if I don't have the proper support, I will go back into my drug induced nightmares, schizophrenic delusions, and horrible eating habits. 
 
 




Now, onto explaining why I chose the quote that I chose. I chose this quote because, even if you don't learn the first time, you can always learn from mistakes, big or small. My mistakes, and I can list them, have threatened my life. My BIG list of mistakes include:
 
  • Doing Meth
  • Dropping out of school
  • Getting into fights over the smallest things
  • Doing drugs/alcohol
  • And just messing up me life completely

BUT it doesn't mean that I won't try to correct myself. Currently, I'm trying to fix what I've messed up; my living situations, family ties, friends, and the biggest thing... My health. I've gotten brain damage the last two times I went into DKA (Diabetic Keto Acidosis). Here is the simple explanation of DKA:

 
If you read that, I give you kudos. It means a lot to me that you took time on a little bit on diabetes. True friendship right there.
 
 
 
All joking aside, it means a lot to me that people are actually reading my blogs. I don't have a lot of friends ever since the incident with the woman in my previous post.
 
 
 
And with that being said, I bid you all farewell.
 




A Little Pick-Me-Up and Rant

"What  you do today can improve all your tomorrows."
 
- Ralph Marston
 
 
 
Hello, guys and gals! Alyssya/Alys here for a 03:39 AM update.
 
The quote above is something that I've just recently started to live by, and it's improved my mental thinking with my schizophrenia. So I may get back into some serious roleplaying by the end of this week! I'm so proud of myself, I've been journaling more, listening to more relaxing music, and removing negative influences from my life.
 
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
I'll tell you a story about an obvious negative that used to be in my life;
 
 
 
This woman, whose name I shall not disclose, accused me of several things that I'd never do. She accused me of yelling at her kid brother, who is on the autism spectrum. That's something I'd never do, it was her mother who was yelling at the kid to stop being a child and grow up. I yelled at her to stop yelling at the brother, then she accused me of stealing money, clothes, food, etc. because I was initially correct about how it can be psychologically damaging to an autistic kid if you yell at them for having a meltdown. When we were finished arguing, I went to find the kiddo who abandoned the living room and I sat down to speak with him.  He talked to me about his thoughts, feelings, and emotions on how his mother treats him. I'm not so low to the ground that I scream at my own kid for having a meltdown.
 
 
 
Afterwards, we went down to his room and played Minecraft a bit. This event sh
owed me how important certain friendships are. The woman who I mentioned above accused me of more harsh actions that I'd never do because just the thought of it makes me want to kill the person who thought of it.
 


Then, this person had the gall to post a whole FUCKING paragraph on Facebook with the lies. When people commented on 'Who did this to you?', she tagged me and called me a 'stupid little cunt'. Well excuuuuuuuse for trying to logically help your autistic brother calm down, ya dumb fucking twat. Sorry for the language there. This is turning more and more into a rant the more I look at it. Calling someone a 'stupid little cunt' truly shows how much of an imbecile you are, unless all your friends on Facebook are twats like you. I would have been cool with you ranting and lying about me on the social media site if you didn't call me two lies; 'stupid' and a 'cunt'. The word in between them is true, as I am short as hell.
 
Holy shit, I mean, seriously. I usually don't rant, but damn.
 
 
 
I shall now leave you all on a relaxing note.
 
 
 

Monday, July 18, 2016

The things I say.



Coffee, Pokemon, and Insomnia


Now, Magnolias and Indigos, meet the love of my life.

Large Mocha Iced Coffee.

The thing that will always motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. The thing that will fuel the author within me. The thing that promotes pro-activity.  PURE. DELICIOUSNESS.



Time: 1:30PM
Activity: Group goes to Dairy Queen
What Does Alys Get?: Two Large Mocha Iced Coffees.


The  thing above is what the psych unity did for Recreational Therapy. We went out in public like sane people! *Gasps.* "But Alys, you're not sane at all!"

I know, I know, but I felt sane for about an hour and that's all that really matters.

Time: 2:39PM
Activity: Journaling
What Is Alys Writing About?: Her mancrush, of course!

"Alys, I thought you were gay!"

Nay! You're wrong yet again!
I'm bisexual with a heavy, very heavy, preference for women. Now don't get that confused with me being 'gay'.

Right now, I'm just like... sitting on this laptop with my iced coffee, two notepads, and my journal. I'm debating on taking art requests to fill my schedule with sweet nothings.

Comment if you want me to draw something for you! Or not... That's cool, too.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Pessimism VS. Optimism

Pessimism vs. Optimism
A post by Brandon
There are times when I feel like curling up and dying.

People would say that's a very pessimistic statement.

You know, they're right.


There are moments in life when I have the option of looking at things positively or negatively. Usually, it's a chance to do good, or to suffer. The thing with me is that I could easily turn a depressive situation into a positive one. But, there's a difference between positivism and lying to yourself.

Telling me "everything's gonna be okay," is trying to keep me positive. But telling myself that, I'd be lying to myself. Because in my head, nothing's okay, and I want to change it. So I will tell myself "It may not be okay, but give it a couple more hours. Will through it. You have a lot to live for." That is being positive.

The same can be said about pessimism as well. Telling someone "no one likes you, you're just an insolent pup who only cares about being a downer" is a lie. And a harsh one at that. But, saying things like, "I've been losing money... If this keeps up, I'll end up bankrupt..." is a negative thought.

Some people really need to think about these kinds of things before they say them. I never talk to people, so I never really deal with these issues anymore. But I have seen them...

And believe me, things are only okay if you make them okay. Depression makes all this much harder.



...And I must apologize if this sounds jumbled and out of order... that's kinda how I feel right now.

But... that aside... thanks.


Emotional Troubles

"I don't know how to feel. My emotions are jumbled... Astray..."
       - Alyssya Magnolia
 
 
 
With that being said, how are you feeling? Do you feel lost, misguided, or even alone? I hope not, but if you are, you have someone to talk to. Although I may not be a therapist, I can offer some solace and advice in hard times. I tend to be a rock that people just talk to, because I listen well according to some.
 
Anywho, onto why I chose my character's quote to start this post off with.
 
I chose this because that's how I truly feel. I know I have emotions, but it's like they're numbed. Shoved into a trunk then locked away. It's like it's all an illusion, just like time. My philosophy, emotions are a figment of the human mind, they don't truly exist. It's all an idea that some person demanded were real. Call me crazy, but I don't believe in these things called 'emotions'.
 
I know it sounds weird, but it's all a matter of opinion. Just like who would make a better president.
 
Anyway, I just feel, tired.
 
That is all.
 
 
 
 
Until next time...
 
 
 


Murder? Possible Homicidal Maniac Among the Masses?

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧  


(〜^∇^)〜 HELLO MAGNOLIAS AND INDIGOS 〜(^∇^〜)

Okay, I'll stop using flowers to say ladies and gentlemen. But anyway, as the title suggests, we may have a homicidal maniac among the masses! By masses, I mean all two or three of you. It'd be great if it'd be more, because we can possibly do a literary game of CLUE©! Who knows, I mean I can possibly post this on some of the RP websites I'm a member of. 

"I suppose I can do something fun every once in a while." 

"Like what, Alyssya?" Well, I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.  ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ
With that put aside, I will be editing this page for most of the day. 
 True story.

I will post some Suicide Hotlines for most states in alphabetical order. But it won't be until later on. 


 Until next time, Magnolias and Indigos...


More Personal. More Often.




As you can read by the title, this is going to be my personal blog. I'll still update my other one, but don't expect my personal thoughts on it, as it's a roleplaying one. So, for those of you who want to be updated about my hospital stay, where I'm going after discharge, or about my nonexistent love life, you can follow me. Lets have a drink for me being honest with myself!
 
 
 
 
 
 
Now that you've had your drink on my honesty, I'll give you an update on my mental status.
 
 
 


 
With my schizophrenia, this is sometimes the way my vision (colors and alternating patterns.) turns out. If it's not that, it's more like...
 
 
 





I HATE bugs, more specifically cockroaches. So some of my hallucinations scare me horribly. I can write a whole story on them, or even do a roleplay that I currently am doing. It's all too horrifying for me. I lock myself in my room here at the hospital, only to come out to grab my food, switch out laptops, or to ask for something to drink. It gets to that point. But maybe in a later post, if I get questions and comments, I'll do a 'Facts About Me' challenge where I answer all of your guys' questions.
 
But for now...
 
 
 



...Buh-bye!